Tags

, , , , , , ,

I’ve come to a realization. My depression has been deepening the last several years. I figured it was because I had finally started to lose the battle and I was on the final trip towards suicide. It’s a disheartening thought but I started to gain some strength from the fact knowing that I had given it a good shot but the depression was just too strong.

Defeatism aside, that was a terrible idea and belief. And it has been pushed aside for the truth.

I am almost 30. My entire life I have heard that I will have my shit together by this point in my life. I will have a loving partner, maybe a family, or be well on my well towards a job that, while may not make me terribly happy, will at least see me making well above struggling from week to week.

It’s a terrible lie. And this lie we tell our children needs to stop. Not everyone will get their shit together by their late twenties.

But I am having trouble internalizing this. I work at a dead-end job that I have for the past several years. I hate the city I live in. I hate the state I live in. In fact this entire region of the country. I had thought it was only temporary but it’s quickly becoming a more and more permanent position and my writing aspirations have fallen to the way side. The depression leeches my will to write or edit my work. To push forth and get myself out of this personal Hell. In short, my life is nowhere near what I had hoped a year ago, three years ago, ten years ago, or even twenty years ago. And that has made my depression worse.

Now, hopefully this will help me start to resolve it. I still have my thirties. My life hasn’t had the best of opportunities or chances. That doesn’t mean my thirties won’t be the most productive yet and see me finally where I want to be: stable. I want to be doing something I can at least enjoy or take pride in. I want to maybe one day have a partner to share my ups and downs with. To build a life with one day. Wouldn’t that be nice?

So… The new decade shouldn’t be met with trepidation and hopefully I can believe it. And maybe that’s why my depression has gotten worse? Because I loathe what I have let myself stay in… That means, I am going to try to get some of my plans under way. I had intended to go to the University of Toronto for a Literature Degree. I could potentially teach at a community college and get me doing something I think would be rewarding. Who knows?

All I do know is this: I am not happy where I am. I am not happy with my life. And I will not be happy until I get away and do what I feel I need to do.